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Avoiding Embarrassments in Europe

This was included in one of our periodic news letters and a press release in August 2007 and prompted an interesting reaction. Some felt the article demeaning and insulting, others - actually more - applauded the plain speaking and said it echoed their feelings. This is the original piece and here is a selection of comments and correspondence received.

Avoiding Embarrassments in Europe

While we have had some positive reaction to our last news release, there has also been a certain amount of negative feedback. In essence this was that most Americans are well aware of these points and to suggest otherwise is, in itself, bad mannered and offensive.

We have had the pleasure of the company of many delightful and charming American guests we have received at The Coach House over the last 7 years, several of whom have become good friends. However many, I would actually say the majority - even the most educated and upscale, are quite unaware of many of the points mentioned.

Having re-read the original piece we can see that some of it was a little over the top, if we have caused offence we apologise. It has been re-written and the revised version is now live at www.chsrentals.com/embarrassments.htm.

We continue to hope that this little guide, which is clearly needed but which many would probably not publish for fear of causing offence, will indeed help to avoid American embarrassments in Europe.

Harley Nott
Coach House Rentals

I am planning a trip to France and so want to be welcomed. I was looking for a list of ways I could be more embraced, figuratively, not literally, by the French. I want to blend in. I don't want to stand out. The phrase "Ugly American" was coined because of our manners. I want the French to know, at least I am grateful for their hospitality. I find being respectful to others, anywhere, goes a long way and is much more beneficial in many ways to the traveler than being rude.

Sadly, the people who need this advise most will take offense. I also find this type of person also will complain the loudest if someone visiting our country does not understand our customs. You tried. I personally, thank you.

PS Your website is very useful. I appreciate all the information you provide. You are the first I have found who offer this help for free. I like you all already.

Susan
Sacramento, CA

Harley -

No need for apologies. You made some excellent points. We've all been embarrassed by our countrymen abroad!

Judy

This is all very silly and a joke, right? I can't believe that you would aim to insult the very client base that provides you with your income. These stereotypes are based on ignorance. Who cares the way in which people hold their knife and fork. If they are having fun, let them be. It's not your place to advise your clientele on etiquette. Who cares if they call their purse a "fanny pack"... Let them discover "local customs" for themselves. That said, I've passed it around to my friends as more of the more amusing e mails I have read lately.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor and hope that you don't lose too many clients because of this.

M.Kirshner

Dear Mia

Thank you for your e-mail.

You say...... Who cares the way in which people hold their knife and fork. If they are having fun, let them be. It's not your place to advise your clientele on etiquette. Who cares if they call their purse a "fanny pack"...

The point of the piece was to inform people that, while in America these things are considered unimportant, in Europe – rightly or wrongly - people DO REALLY CARE about such things.

You may feel perfectly comfortable eating in the American way, but Europeans who observe you are likely to regard you as uncultured. You may regard the word “fanny” as innocent but in England it’s offensive.

The point of the piece was to inform in order to avoid embarrassment – not to make a judgement on what is right or wrong.

Harley Nott

To whom it may concern:
    I am afraid that in your attempt to "educate" your uncouth neighbors from across the Atlantic you have very much insulted us. Your condescending attitude shows very bad manners indeed!
    Americans do know how to eat with knives and forks, serve ourselves from a serving dish, and use our napkin. How utterly rude it is of you to insinuate otherwise. It is very insulting to call our habits "uncouth and at worst barbaric". I think it might be you that needs to learn manners and to learn not to be so insulting to an entire country of people that are for the most part, well schooled in manners.
    You might rethink this "helpful advise" and address matters which are more likely to stem from language and customs rather than to insinuate that you have better "manners". For it is clear, that you don't have manners when it comes to addressing differences in culture.

Most Sincerely,

Pamela Borgman

Dear Pamela

I'm very sorry if I have offended you.

I beg to differ. We have Americans staying with us at The Coach House day in and day out. We serve them breakfast everyday. They are charming and delightful and we have made many friends, but the great majority - even upscale and well educated - do eat as described. They really do, I haven't just made it up.

The aim was to assist - not to insult, I assure you.

Kind regards

Harley Nott
Coach House Rentals

Dear Harley,
    I must disagree with your premise. I believe you will find that "labeling" an entire country (you addressed this article to 'Americans') as having particular analogous behaviors is quite presumptuous. I entertain in my home four or five times a month and I would love to have you meet my guests. I serve dinner to my guests and I am happy to report that they all have excellent manners. In fact, rarely have I observed my guests acting in the ways you have described.
    If your aim was not to insult, your aim was not true.

Sincerely,

Pamela

I certainly was not offended. Sometimes these things just need to be said. And though Fanny is not a word I would use, I didn't know that one!
Best,
Karen

Hello at Coach House Rentals,

Thank you for your August newsletter and newsletters continually received.

Indeed, there are elements of what you say ref. Amercian behaviour that are true and while risky, I commend you on stepping-out and speaking in this regard !

I trust that your properties have ongoing support.

Regards,

Theard

I love it!!! Especially the dress code for cities. As an American, I have been upset myself by the attire of my countrymen and women.

Add this: never, never use your serviette to wipe or blow your nose at the table. (I have seen this in US restaurants --and by those who should know better--and it is truly disgusting. )

Kudos to you folks for having the courage to send this around.

J. Boese

Although I agree with you on most of the recommendations, sometimes they come across more as commands because of the use of "Do and Don't" and this can give the wrong impression.

And I think calling the use of a fork and knife in a certain way as "barbaric" is a bit over the top...? Especially since this style of eating is not going to be unlearned in a period of a week or so's holiday....perhaps Europeans could relax a bit on that one and not be so easily offended?

Patricia

Great newsletter!!

Maybe when you get your New York operation going, you can put out similar "helpful tips" for your European customers coming to the United States regarding personal hygiene, tipping, and dental care.

Hello from California,

I am an American born citizen (60yrs.old) who is sorry and embarrassed that you had to compile this list. I must tell you however, that I ( and I can only speak for myself, but I assume my generation as well) was brought up to clean up after myself, always dress modestly and appropriately for the occasion, and as the saying goes, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do". Those of us left with a sense of decency or a decent upbringing still behave this way I believe. So I apologize for my countrymen and the "ugly American" image some of us can sometimes portray!

Thank you for your helpful list and again, my apologies for those who have made it necessary.

Most sincerely,
Kathy Dow
Dear Harley,

I truly enjoyed your press release and copied it to many of my family members.

My message: "I really liked reading this, especially the part about eating etiquette....and now realize from where many of Mom and Dad's rules came."

(My father was from Vienna and my mother spent most of her life in Europe.)

Please don't let anyone tell you it was "offensive". It was a great idea and one of the few interesting press releases I've seen all month!! Traveling abroad constantly, myself, I have seen American faux pas time and time again. If Coach House had rentals in Pakistan, Kenya or Thailand or Southeast Asia, for example, I could write a manuscript for you with hands tied behind my back!!

Many thanks!!
Ann

Dear Coach House Rentals,

Thank you for the helpful information.

My uncle lived overseas for years, and when he'd return to the U.S. on vacation - he used to eat in the similar fashion described below (i.e. keeping fork and knife in hand); however, my grandfather never got used to this change. Rather, he felt it was just as you've described for the American way of eating to Europeans. Grandpa felt Uncle Skip had slipped down a notch in his manners! Oh well, we all have something to learn it would seem.

Thank you for the helpful information.

Best Regards,
An American

This release is offensive in the extreme. There is not one point made that is not common knowledge to the sort of well-traveled American most likely to be a patron of a service such as yours. I've been a travel writer for thirty years, author of twenty books and several hundred magazine articles based upon visits to scores of countries on five continents. Your tone is patronizing to the point of sneering, swollen with the implicit assumption that the British and European cultures are superior to ours.

I could handily counter each of your points with my own examples of the cultural missteps and downright bad behavior of Europeans abroad. We might start with European football hooligans, continue with the drunken German louts who infest every folk festival in Europe, and add the examples of those expat Brits who retire to Spain, patronize ersatz English pubs, and never learn a word of Spanish.

But I don't have the time or patience to engage in such aimless back-and-forth. Know simply that I will never engage your services nor will I write about it in any but negative manner. Remove my name from your mailing list.

Herbert Bailey Livesey

'Twould appear there are some very sensitive insensitive people... ciao
Cecil Scaglione
Editor
Mature Life Features

Hello, As an American who has just returned from a lovely trip to England, I find your guide both silly and offensive, even if well-intentioned. Together with my husband, who is French, I have traveled to Europe many tiimes, and have lodged and dined with European family and friends on many occasions. We both feel that many of the points made in your guide are uninformed.............
................I have focused on some of your points as examples; I could have chosen others. But while I differ with you on many of the points of your guide, as I have indicated, what offends me most is your implication that only Americans are guilty of these behaviors that you find objectionable. Had you aimed your guide at all tourists and not obviously focused it on one nationality, I might have disagreed with many of your points but I would not have been annoyed enough to write this long message.

Please know that my family loved our recent trip to England, that we have enjoyed all of our previous trips to the the UK and European continent, and feel a great affinity for European culture and traditions.

Thank you very much for reading this long response!

Sincerely,
Amy Sanders

I am not sure what to think of this list. On the one hand, I am insulted because it makes generalizations about Americans and their manners. Clearly, what is considered good manners in Europe is what is considered good manners in America and my family and our friends follow those same manners. On the other hand, I am embarrassed because some (or enough) of my fellow Americans apparently behave in such a way that you feel compelled to provide a guide about common manners. About the most informative piece of info. was the "fanny" comment. . . hilarious!
I can only imagine the giggles and smirks from locals as the Americans talk (too loudly) about it. I must tell you that I don't think that this guide will be too well received by Americans. Sincerely, Julie Africk

Such pompous drivel...please remove my name from your list. We certainly do not need the Europeans to tell us how to behave. You might follow the same rules when you visit America--it's quite funny to watch you!

Thanks for the follow-up. I find the comments amusing and helpful. I once wrote in a magazine that walking around Paris in a sweatsuit and sneakers is a little like walking through the woods during hunting season dressed as a deer--that is, making yourself into a target. I got many letters of complaints along the lines of, "If the French can take our dollars, they can get used to our clothing." Best, Stephen

Didn't find anything wrong with it all. Who takes offence these days at such frivolities? No harm here. Jason

I, for one, think your comments were excellent. There are MANY ugly Americans these days both at home and abroad.
It is bad manners to tell someone that theirs are, well, bad.

Mary Mitchell

Good Evening,

I think your "embarrassments" piece is very good advice/timely reminder to all travellers.

While not American, I have sent it on to some of my young relatives. Unfortunately, what we have considered common good manners for years isn't very common anymore.

Harley:

As an American who has lived in Norway, Sweden, Brazil and Bolivia and traveled extensively, I've seen many Ugly Americans abroad.

While some of your advice was over-the-top, most of it was good.

I will, however, on warm days continue to wear shorts and sandals in Europe. Not to formal occasions, of course. And never to have tea with the Queen.

Cheers,

Brian Clark
SATW

Thank you so much for the article "Avoiding Embarrassments in Europe," it was most informative. I would like to return the favor by offering some helpful hints for British citizens touring America. Number one is to keep your British soccer hooligans home. It is most unseemly when you bring your drunken, violence-prone ruffians to our country to do nothing but look for a fight. The second tip is for British citizens to go see a dentist. You people could also bath occasionally. One thing I noticed when touring your fair country is two professions where you will never get rich in the UK. One is being an orthodontist, the second is being a soap manufacturer.

Dear Harley,

Yes, Europeans and Americans have different customs, and your condescending approach to them doesn't add to intercultural understanding. Underlying your attempt to be helpful to the heathens from across the Atlantic is an assumption that the European way is better. Not so. Not that the North American way is necessarily better, either -- just different.

The most ludicrous aspect of your exposition has to do with table manners. When I see Europeans (whether at home or in America) dining like voracious praying mantids with knife and fork poised throughout the meal, I hasten to remind myself that they are doing what comes naturally to them, no matter how odd it may appear to me.

Fortunately, in my experience during several visits to the UK and various parts of the European mainland through the years, I've found the inhabitants more accepting of my origins and cultural and culinary quirks than you seem willing to be. After taking your guests and prospective guests to task in the manner you've done, I'm amazed that you still have any clientele.

Sincerely,

George Leposky

My German husband has a few additions for your very English list of manners--the list does not reflect usage throughout Europe. The fork used tines down is a quaintly English custom. The Germans use it tines up and wonder why the English do it the other way. In Germany, it is also consider bad form to cut a potato with a knife--just the fork is used to break it apart and then eat it. And there are more, but the point is that the list of manners does not apply to all Europe.

Also, I have seen many Germans and other nationalities abroad in cities in scanty and inappropriate dress. This is not to diminish your point, though.

My English daughter-in-law differs with your use of the term "barbaric"--she says "child-like" is more appropriate.

And, finally, after reading your readers' comments today, I must agree that your article has a broad brush sound to it that of course doesn't reflect the manners of ALL Americans, just some, and maybe most that you see. That caveat would have done a lot to calm those offended writers. I figured that many people would take huge offense at the article as it does have that British edge to it, one that only the French can outdo!

JB

I had to chuckle. We have exactly the same problems in New York. Big ones here are slamming the exit door of the bus in the next person's face (New Yorkers hold the door open), and ordering coffee with the soup.

Cheers, Louise Weiss

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